A Word In Your Ear

Learning a language is tough, but without doubt far tougher is trying to fathom out the real meaning of seemingly innocent -sounding statements that start to appear as a relationship blossoms. Biggest culprits are (in my experience) women, but we men have our moments of inspiration too. However, ladies first!

  • We need to talk really means I need to complain later.
  • We need really means I want.
  • Do you love me? really means I’m going to ask for something expensive.
  • I’m not yelling really means Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
  • I am not emotional! I am not over-reacting really means I’m on my period.
  • Answers to the innocent question “What’s wrong?”  include:
  • The same old thing which really means Nothing.
  • Nothing which really means Everything.
  • Everything which really means My PMS is acting up.
  • Do I look fat in this dress? which really means We haven’t had a fight in a while.
  • Just to be fair here’s a helpful guide for the ladies.
  • Good idea! really means It’ll never work and I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.
  • That’s interesting, dear? really means Are you still talking?
  • I can’t find it really means It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.
  • I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are really means No one will ever see us alive again.
  • You know I could never love anyone else really means I am used to the way you yell at me and realise it could be worse.
  • I’m stopping off for a quick one with the guys really means I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest-pounding, knuckle-dragging, pre-evolutionary companions.
  • Have you lost weight? really means I’ve just spent our last £20 in the pub.
  • It would take too long to explain really means I have no idea how it works.
  • You cook just like my mother used to really means She used the smoke detector as meal timer too.
  • Uh huh/Sure sweetheart/Yes dear really means Nothing at all, it’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

To finish a couple of quotes:

Women say: Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stamp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

I much prefer:

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache!